I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
