he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
