Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize