i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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