and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
