That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
