she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
