She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
