I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
