So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize