So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
