I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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