did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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