when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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