i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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