I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
