mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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