I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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