oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
