His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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