Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
