Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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