How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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