I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
