I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Don't make out with my wife yet
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
