Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
