Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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