Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
