On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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