Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
