Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
