i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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