I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
