I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize