At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
