I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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