Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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