I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
