just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
