I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
