Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
