I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
