you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
