remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
