Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
