She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
