I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
