my phone needs a breathalizer
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
