I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
