wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
