When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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