Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
