Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
