I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
