margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
