This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
