Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
