my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
