I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
