I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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